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Over the past two or so weeks I have been on the edge, teetering over the edge and back. I spent some money but not too much and I didnapos;t focus on just one thing like I do normally...or manically. I saw my pdoc and we decided we wouldnapos;t change my meds but if I went into hypomania to a point it was causing me trouble, I should skip my Concerta for a few days until I settled down. I see my psychologist on Tuesday and sheapos;ll be glad that I have pretty much settled down. It varies from day to day. I have more to say but donapos;t know what to say. If you can understand that, you are doing better at reading me than I am at writing me.

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1. When the nape of my creativity is bared upon the writerapos;s block, I most often attempt to stall the blade by spinning out increasingly mundane descriptions of landscape and the weather, as if, even alone, my mind resorts to the tactics of the bus stop and awkwardly paused cocktail party conversation.

B. Hair is the ineradicable stain upon any housekeeping I set up.� Single, coiled strands of hair pasted to the sinkapos;s basin; static-stuck wisps on seats and coats and carpeting; soap scum marinated nests of the shower drain; slow tumbleweeds of it in kitchen corners.� It sticks to any sponge and re-attaches itself in friendly parasite manner.� If I were to commit a crime, the hair fibers would hang me immediately.�

3. The mechanism of missing something enough to become it is clear; what needs more probing is the why of missing.

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Today in ACTS class Mrs. Gillespie was talking about the 4 types of people in life.� The procrastinators, the prioritizers, the slackers and the "yes-men."� at one point or another we all fall into each of these categories.� right now i am being both a slacker and a procrastinator.� i have an 800 word essay to write about the Canterbury Tales, but i have absolutely no motivation or desire to read another rhyming cuplet for the rest of the semester.�

Mrs. Juda handed me back my college essay today and all she wrote on it was, "well done."� iapos;m not sure what i wanted her to say, but those two little words did not ease my fears of the college application process. Maybe if she had said, "well done, this will surely get you into syracuse." or even, "dont bother applying to gettysburg with an essay like this," i might have felt a little better but, "well done," gives me no sense of direction whatsoever.� speaking of direction, everyone keeps asking me what i want to do in college. I have so many answers to this question; i want to learn, to meet new people, to study, to party, to smile, to sleep.� its so hard to answer the question when someone asks you "what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"� as if i could just decide right now who, where and what iapos;ll be in 10 years.� it reminded me of John Mayerapos;s first song, "Real World," where he says, "take your life, plan it out in black and white."�

while we were sorting the Birthright donations today, steph told me that i really need to make up with amy because sheapos;s going to be in spain at the same time as me.� i dont think this is a very good reason to make up with her.� steph also said that amy has a right to be mad at me because i tried to make up with her while i was at�a party. I dont see what difference it makes.� i dont even see why shes mad at me, actually.� Melissa is going to visit her tomorrow and i bet theyre going to the city.� im not jealous that melissa is going and not me but i am jealous theyapos;re going to the city together.� i love nyc in the fall. Last year i visted amy on columbus day weekend and we went into the city and it was so hot out.� i was so nervous stepping out of penn station that i couldnt eat my wrap from au bon pain at all. I had�probably 4 ciggaretts that day beacuse all the business and inconsideration of the city made me so anxious.�

im going to boston this weekend to look at colleges and my mom and i are staying at the intercontinental.� its like a 4 1/2 star hotel and weapos;re staying for one night. My mom was so proud that she got reservations there and told me to look it up online.� i know she only did this because she wanted to impress me.� jon my tennis coach told me that she is trying to be my best friend. Heapos;s pretty much right. She gave me the keys to her 2008 acura TL and i put them on my keychain.� the older i get to more i realize how child-like and insecure my mother is.� she constantly needs someoneapos;s approval and consideration in order to feel important.� She reminds me of my dadapos;s dog, shadow, who constantly waits and begs for praise.� i think my mom is still the girl she was in high school. I saw how fragile she was at my grandmaapos;s funeral when my dad was holding her as she sobbed into his shoulder.� i felt bad for her but it made me sick to see my parents like that when theyapos;ve been divorced for over a year.

i have nothing else to say except that its 2:30 and iapos;ve accomplished nothing except for watching 1/2 of Factory Girl and memorizing two stanzaapos;s of Hugoapos;s, "Demain, des lapos;aube" in French.� Oh, and i gave my essay to mr. Pzrech to read, heapos;ll be much more helpful.
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What Your Nose Says About You

Itapos;s likely that youapos;ll be lucky with money, though this luck may come later in life. You are impulsive and tend to follow your heart. You tend to be stubborn. You donapos;t take other peopleapos;s opinions seriously. You are a nosey person and a bit of a snoop. You canapos;t help but be curious You are a realist. You arenapos;t much of an optimist or a pessimist.

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Today,i got back my Chem,Maths,English,Chinese,FN and Social Studies.About the papers marks,i didnt give a damn.I only care about the overall.Thats all.And,iapos;m not very happpy with it.During lesson,its was super boring.Should bring cards to school. :/ After school,Maggie,Jian anme went to the market to eat.While eating,there is this bird infront of our table.And they dont know.So,i go,apos;BAapos;.Lols.Bird fly away.MaggieJian an got a scare. :x Then Jian an say,eating with me got a lot of weird action. -.- After that,Jian an went back while maggie and me went back to school for CCA.During choir,total of only 9 people. -.- Anyway,We warm up for about an hour to 2. Lols.Today,my voice was kinda weird i guess. :/ Maggieme keep laughing. (: Due to some reason luh.When that Mr. Tan asked me to sing something,i was like,apos;huh?Orh.apos;Then,i sing.While i sing,i stare at the rain outside.And soon,he look at my direction towards the rain,and head infront,blocking my view of the rain.LOL.After everything,went back home.Well,reach home,i dont even wanna think about it.Guess i love schools than staying at home,facing some people who i doesnt really like.

Even thought exams are over,stress are gone.
But my worries for results are here.
And the pressure i face,was even bigger than use to.
Guess growing up really makes the pain in the neck.

You hurt me once.
Dont hurt me again.
I really hate it.



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So itapos;s Friday morning and Iapos;m riding my bicycle to school.� I reach the top on a not-insubstantial hill to the road the school is on and Iapos;m pedaling along and next thing I know the pedaling has become more difficult.� I�glance down and�look at the rear tire and it is flat.� Damn.� So I walk the bike to school, which is only about 10 minutes from where I noticed the flat.� I lock the bike to its place and give the wheel a quick once over before going into school, and it looks okay: no obvious damage, doesnapos;t look like the tire has been punctured, but it is flat.� Not much I can do at this point so I just leave it and walk into school.

When school is over I walk out to the bike, hang my heavy backpack on the handle bars and begin the 45 minutes walk home.� In case youapos;re wondering, the ride takes a little over 15 minutes.� I get back to the house, put the bike in the barn, and leave it.� Itapos;s been a long week and Iapos;m just not in the mood to deal with it at the moment.� Iapos;m tired and Iapos;m feeling down because my sole means of transportation with not transport me anywhere.

The the landlord stops by my room early in the evening.� He does a lot of downhill mountain biking, with the speed and the drops and the turns and dirt and all that.� He noticed my flat tire, probably took a look at it himself, and he tells me heapos;s headed out to pick up a few things, and he was planning on going to one of the local sports stores himself, and he offers to pick me up a new inner tube.

That just picked me right up.� That small offer of kindness.� Just five minutes earlier I was drowsy and sluggish and I didnapos;t want to do much of anything.� And then, in the span of a snap of the fingers, Iapos;m alert and feeling good, and itapos;s just amazing what a small thing like was offered to can completely change the way you feel.

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